Mispronunciations and Colloquialisms

The following mispronunciations and colloquialisms I can’t fucking stand:

1. Saying ‘i-deer’ instead of ‘idea’
2. Saying ‘he-li-copter’ instead of ‘hel-i-copter’. The only thing I’m proud of my grandmother for is one saying of hers: it’s HELicopter as in ‘Go To…’. Nina can be such a bitch.
3. Saying ‘ruff’ instead of ‘roof’. The ruff the ruff the ruff is on fire… forget that.
4. Saying ‘beg’ when you mean ‘bag’. I discovered this one in washington state. Now when people say ‘beg’ I respond by asking them to repeat themselves. ******* can be such a bitch.
5. OH! I almost forgot, when people from England/Ireland/Scotland/whatever say, for example, “I can’t drive. Me cars on fire.” WHAT THE HELLICOPTER IS THAT! Didn’t you people invent English? Does the word ‘my’ not exist? Oh my science, is it the US that’s using improper English? No, no, it’s them, it’s always them… ::phew:: “no, no, it’s the children that are wrong”
6. Saying 'hair-es-ment' instead of 'har-ass-ment'. Come on, having the 'ass' in there opens it up for so many cute and fun jokes... which lead to more lawsuits, it's a vicious cycle
7. Saying "a-gainst" instead of "a-gen-st". .. I don't know if that makes sense written down. I guess if you can hear the word "gain" in the word "against" you should be shot a-gain.

That is all...
for now

Unicorn: that unobtainable something that makes your world brighter

So the first time i met you i was a bit skeptical. You happened into my apartment when i had some things out that i shouldn't of. Sitting on my secret compartment coffee table was my bank roll. At the time it might have been up to $1000 in bills in a neat stack of twenties. Really only $100 of it is profit, the rest is my re-up money. You said "wooh that's a lot of cash!" with a smile. Anyways, i got defensive. I erected a small wall around me and shot you one of my patented stern glances, watched you cautiously through the night and then promptly moved my bank after you left. I didn't like that you saw where i put it, i didn't like that you knew i had it and now i didn't like you.
How things have changed over the past year and a half. My new Unicorn.
I've had others. The concept of a Unicorn is not foreign to any girl past the age of 12. Unicorns are just those people (or i guess they could be things) that you know you can never have or touch. They're only visible from afar. This can mean from a distance physically (you’ve never even spoken) or emotionally (you will never tell them how you feel). Try to ignore any stalker like implications, because when you have a unicorn, you are fully aware of the impossibilities and have accepted them. There’s a sad ambivalence behind it. You’re heart, against your will, has made a martyr out of you, burning you at the stake and all you can do is laugh. Because if you were to get to close to the object of your affection, the illusion might disappear. Your stupid heart has convinced your mind that they’re perfect and the cognitive dissonance that could be created when you discover that they’re human could kill you.

So you just burn.

Now i look forward to your every visit. You make me smile and i look for every opportunity to see you without my boyfriend getting too suspicious. He knows about the crush. I told him. I just can't shake it.
There is no way that anything could happen. Completely unattainable, unrealistic, immoral. I know you like your morals. But you make me happy just knowing that you're in the world. Something special that seems so perfect that it shouldn't exist.

My Unicorn

The Most Boring Class On Campus and High Stakes Poker

So every M T W Th and TGodIF I have to sit through an hour of statistics. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t already have to take a statistics class earlier in my college years. My situation is also exasperated by the fact that I accidentally signed up for the B.A. version of the majors version of statistics (too late to drop it) and now have to take the B.S. version ( 2 quarters long I want to shoot myself).
And I was not about to change my degree to B.A., I would rather be republican then join those pussies. But that’s a different subject.

The only redeeming quality I have found for the class is its ability to fuel my (functional!!) addiction to poker. I’m in an innocuous and disappointing plateau in my skills, evening losses with gains over a month period of weekly games. But now I just discovered my new edge.
Now I know a little bit more about statistics, in head computations coupled with my ability to read opponents body language (brag brag brag) will give me just what I need in the game of skill and luck.
While reading a chapter I came across a passage which peaked my interest:
"p( two aces)= p(ace on first draw) X p(ace on second draw │ ace on first draw)
= (4/52)(3/51) ≈ .0045"
So for those of you skilled in the art of reading the most dull subject invented, and those good at cards might notice the translation: the odds of getting pocket Aces is .45%
So from there, let’s extrapolate.
Well that’s all well and good but I’m playing against other people. At a ten person table, the odds that no one is dealt pocket pairs are 95.5%. One person being dealt a pocket pair 4.32%. The odds that two people where dealt pocket pairs on the same hand are .08% and it gets less and less as you increase the number of pocket pairs dealt in a single hand.
The lesson:
If you got a set (three of a kind) on the flop and there are no straight or flush draws, even if it’s the lowest possible set, don’t fear the reaper. You are beat in LESS than .08% of the time ( I’m not calculating the odds of you hitting a set). This also goes the other way. If you are or aren’t playing a pocket pair, in LESS than 4.5 % of the time, a person will hit a set on the flop.
Maybe once I learn how to calculate the odds of hitting a set, I’ll bring that up. But right now I have NO idea how to do that.
Keep in mind, none of this takes into account the odds that someone will play low pocket pairs like some swans. Everyone hates swans (pocket twos), to quote the great Bill Watterson, getting pocket twos "is like winning ten cents in the lottery". *
Old English Teacher Ms. Thrower-Patterson: That’s taken out of context, *******. You can’t use that quote.
Me: Fuck you, you cross-eyed bitch!
What is it with old English teachers and me? I’ll stop hating now.
What was I talking about? Aw yes.. have your cat or dog spayed or neutered, while you gamble. Thank you and have a good night

So sometimes

So sometimes....

When i'm watching a show about medicine, i'll pause it and look up the terms they use