Me Fail English? That’s Unpossible!

So I guess that it’s about time you find out. I can’t read. I joke about it but yeah, I can’t read. Thanks private and public school education! I’m totally dyslexic and so if I spell something wrong on here, I don’t want to have to care so I’m going to just refer back to this article if I do.

Now that business has been put aside, favorite Ralph Wiggum quotes:

1) “Me Fail English? That’s Unpossible!”

2) “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

3) “I sleep in a drawer!” Actually this is Kerney’s kid but most people (nice fans or ignorant ones) won’t call you on it because it sounds like a Wiggumism (try sounding that out. Like that stupid public school counselor told me to do when I didn’t recognize a word in a book. And then I should just skip them and try to infer their meaning by looking at the sentence as a whole. WELL WHO’S FUCKED NOW MRS. NORENBAUM! Now I just SKIP SENTENCES! I guess my real problem was that I could skip but I couldn’t go back and reexamine. YOU COULDN’T TAME THIS WILD HORSE MRS. NORENBAUM!)… Number 4

4) “Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office” I found this gem the other day.

5) “Tastes like burning.”

6) “I’m Idaho” *sigh*… I’m Idaho. Oh, how I’ve longed to be Idaho…

7) "That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things!" It just took me an extra 5 seconds than it would of taken a normal person to figure out how to spell Leprechaun. Where are my reprerendums! Where’s my parking spot! “I rest my case”… “You rest your case?” “I’m sorry! I thought that was just a figure of speech… Case closed.”

8) "At my house, we call them [fires] 'Uh-Oh's.'" hee hee hehehehe.

9) "And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life."

10) "Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!"

So they say ignorance is bliss.. I think my stupidity sucks ass. I never get a 4.0 on papers and I’m horrible on IMs. Where’s my bliss! WHO’S FUCKED NOW!!!
For more Wiggumisms Go Here

I love living in the city

So to attempt to gain a place on the daily page of my local weekly city paper, i submitted what i saw Saturday night as follows:

Dear Last Days,

Have I got a tip for you! My friend Chasity and I were walking up Olive towards Broadway Tuesday around 8:00 when we saw two young vagrants beginning to taunt one another. We were going to pick out a movie but decided to stop for a show instead. We had no idea what started it all but they were roundhouse kicking and yelling quips like "come on!.... Come On! Make your move." When the fight started to move towards us we made a large circle around it and watched from a distance as one of the kids started to yell at passers-by. A preppy woman on her cell phone and two identical dogs got in his way as he backed into her, got tangled in the leashes and then proceeded to kick one of the dogs in the face. Then he threw a punch at a guy walking by. Chasity and I attempted to flag down a cop by yelling at a passing cruiser "He's attacking people". And then there he was coming around the corner right at us and we screamed and ran inside Hollywood Video's.

Later I found out he was arrested and threatened the girl on the cell phone with a knife, saying "I'll kill you if you call 9-1-1."

Thank you for you wonderful column.

Sincerely

******* and Chasity

Yes, this happened. I'll keep you posted on if i get a spot in the paper next week

(*fingers crossed*)

"Hey".... sigh, you asshole

So now it’s “hey”. I’ve let you come back so many times by saying that.
My response “hi” (20 minutes) “nice talking to you”.
That’s it.. for now. I know you’re going to crawl right back inside my whole being, you fucker. Well newsflash, I made it through my entire visit without thinking about you like the antagonist from that Sounds song that you are. And now you’re going to find out, and you’re going to hurt. Hopefully at least half as bad as what you did to me.
I have a flaw that I’m not proud about.
I can hold a grudge very easily for long periods of time and I just know this piece of information is going to kill you. For the first time in you’re life you’re going to have to realize that you're going to miss this when it's gone. And it can be gone before you blink.

_wellcome to my grudge page. Promise though, they won't all be like this_

The first and the last

Insert something witty and amusing here --->