So this broke my heart.

So I thought he was ignoring me. How sixteen candles. How is this still happening to me at 23? That paranoid scare, that only women can feel, grows in the back of your throat. You try to swallow but then you just feel the sting of rejection in your chest.



After an amazing time with him he just dropped off the map. I contacted him, with no response and it started to eat at me while my time left in the area was waning away by the hour. Waiting was interminable. 3 days left in town, 2 days, 1 day, 12 hours... Like being nervous with a touch of obsession. I know that you know what i'm talking about here because if it's just me that feels this way, i think i'll shoot myself. It's emotional, deep, close to the core of your humanity and reacts like a raw nerve when it's touched. That sting. Makes you wish you were numb to everything.
And it's so silly. Teenage adolescent silliness that you should of grown out of like a training bra.
I didn't know what to do either. I left his place in the morning. Sent two messages to finalize plans, and got no response. Then it was new years eve and i wanted him to join the gang so i called. And again no response. All the while my freak-out meter was rising. And those nagging questions! my god the questions your mind comes up with! top ten:
1) did i do/say something wrong that i don't remember?
2) i'm i coming on too strong?
3) is he just not interested?
4) will gnawing off my arm distract me from this situation?
5) should i call again?
6) when will i stop obsessing about this/him?
6) is that him calling me right now?
7) fuck you mom, i can't talk! he could get a busy signal!
8) no, mom, it's on the kitchen table, where it was yesterday.
9) mom! i'll do it this afternoon!
and the top one
10) Does he care as much as i do?

ah, cuz if he doesn't, then what's the point.

I was talking it over with a girlfriend and we decided to wait it out, thanks Carolina.

And then the 11th hour he (j9) made contact:

j9: yo
216: happy new years
j9: you too
j9: i chose to sleep through the weekend
j9: or at least i tried my damndest
216: was it everything you thought it could be?
j9: and more
216: this weekend was pretty fun
j9: caddy's?
216: i lost my wallet Saturday night (shoot me in the face) kristin got me into caddies through a bar tender she knows and then football all monday
j9: nice
216: sorry i didn't get to see you again though
j9: when do you go back?
216: in 4 hours
j9: WHAT?
j9: i thought you were stickin' around for awhile
216: 5 pm at dulles. i tried to contact you
j9: hard when i'm sleeping
j9: and now i've realized that my phone is dead...not sure when that happened
216: right
j9: no wonder my dad was all salty this morning
216: what did he do
j9: nothin, just asking why i wasn't answering the phone
216: i'm really sorry, j9. i tried to hold on to that bag i had for you all yesterday hoping you would call me back but i'm leaving now and i've given it to richard for safe keeping
216: igor and nick tried to buy it all but i wouldn't let them : )
j9: haha, that's ok
216: i enjoyed my stay. it was good to have your company even if it was for just for a little while
j9: absolutely
“j9” is away from the computer as of 1:22:49 PM.
216: goodbye

Auto response from j9: steppin out
j9: bye bye, i gotta go home to pay rent
“j9” is back at the computer as of 1:23:58 PM.
“j9” is away from the computer as of 1:24:16 PM.

I started to cry.
I usually don't cry.
I just wanted to see him again. That's why i called him/texted him/obsessed over it all. Just wanted to say goodbye and say that he made my visit so much better
... yet so much worse